Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart.

Lilacs

Thank you all so much for your lovely, kind comments on my last post. Reubs and I feel so lucky to have the support of this little community behind us. Over the last couple of weeks we’ve thought long and hard about whether we wanted to share this part of our story, or keep it just for us. Reuben and I like to focus on the positives here, and I am naturally quite reserved when it comes to our privacy and the intimate details of our lives, but the events of the last few months have affected us so profoundly, ommitting them just doesn’t feel right. You see, we lost a baby. Our first baby. And this experience has been the most difficult thing either of us have ever gone through. We are forever changed by it. Given this, I think it would be strange for us to just sweep the events of the last little while under the rug and pretend none of it ever happened.

Had all gone well, right now I would be 15 weeks pregnant. I’d be spreading the good news, waiting to feel my first flutters of movement, reading stories to my growing bump and working on a quilt for our baby. Sadly, that wasn’t meant to be. At our 12 week scan we discovered our first child would never make it to our arms. Our baby’s image flickered onto the screen and we could see his itty bitty head, arms, legs and belly. He looked utterly perfect, but was completely still. Though our little one measured right on track at 12 weeks, his tiny heart had stopped beating.

It’s amazing how much you can love and miss someone you will never have the chance to know. I know that before experiencing this for myself, I never could have imagined the depth of the feelings involved. At times in the last couple of weeks I have felt ridiculous for grieving a life lost so early. I think of women who lose their children at 20 weeks, full term, or after, and my loss feels so incomparable. So insignificant. Then, a few days ago there was a knock at our door, and when I opened it I was surprised to see our midwife standing on the doorstep. She works in the public system and deals with hundreds of pregnant women every year, so I can’t even imagine how many miscarriages she’s witnessed. She doesn’t normally do house calls but when she saw the results of my scan in the system, she felt the need to come to see Reuben and I and check if we were ok. She brought us a bear from The Teddy Love Club and told me so sincerely that she was sorry. This gesture touched me more than I could possibly put into words. It reminded me that this loss is real. It sounds cliche but from the very moment that faint second line appeared on the pregnancy test, something maternal switched inside me. Suddenly nothing in the world mattered more to me than protecting the tiny miracle growing inside me. For a short time Reuben and I were parents of a tiny person, with hopes and dreams for his future. Though people can, and do, go through so much worse, this loss deserves to be grieved.

The days following my scan were the hardest of my life to date. I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t drink, I couldn’t sleep. I felt like a failure, I blamed myself, I was angry with my body and I wondered if I had somehow caused our baby to pass. I thought I would never have the strength to carry a child again, as I simply could not risk living through the pain of a second loss. But now that some of the initial haze of grief and guilt has eased, I feel sure that I will. As difficult as the experience of losing our first baby has been, and while there will always be a hole in my heart for the little one that didn’t make it, I wouldn’t take the last few months back for anything in the world. For three months I carried a precious life inside me. I was given a glimpse into the joy and profound love of motherhood. I was shown how much having a family means to me. I was made to see how amazing, strong and capable the human body is. I was taught to better listen to my intuition. And I was reminded of how very, very lucky I am to have the love and support of such a wonderful man. For those lessons I am so grateful. This experience has changed me for the better. I feel stronger, wiser, kinder, more hopeful and more capable of love than I ever knew I could be.

The day we found out I was pregnant we planted a plum tree. It wasn’t an intentionally symbolic thing at the time, but it has since become a tribute to our little one. While Reuben and I will never see our first child grow, we will watch that tree reach for the sky, bloom, and hopefully, prosper. With each season we will be reminded of the one we lost. I carried his body for just 12 short weeks, but we will carry his presence in our hearts forever. Our tiny October baby. Never forgotten. So loved.

“Sometimes,’ said Pooh, ‘the smallest things take up the most room in your heart.” – A.A. Milne

Katie x

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Katie

About Katie

Katie is a coffee-drinking, granny square-making, op-shopping daydreamer. Katie likes vintage dresses, Pictionary, doilies and colourful tights. Katie's raspberry baked cheesecake will rock your socks off.

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90 Responses to “Sometimes the smallest things take up the most room in your heart.”

  1. Lisa Gutierrez October 28, 2013 at 11:58 pm #

    Oh, Katie. I am so so sorry for your loss. It does matter and you should grieve. All my love and peace to you both.

  2. Jade October 29, 2013 at 12:05 am #

    I’m so very sorry for the loss of your little one. You’re completely right, it truly doesn’t matter how small or little – the love for them is very real. x

  3. Gem October 29, 2013 at 12:45 am #

    I’ve only just started visiting your site; since last week, I’ve tracked you from the beginning up until now. So, although from your end this is coming from a stranger, I feel as though I’ve come to know you both a little and I am truly so, so sorry for your loss.

    You are right, your little one lived within you and should definitely not be swept under the rug. Your plum tree is a beautiful memorial.

  4. Phoebe October 29, 2013 at 1:14 am #

    Hello Katie & Reuben, So sorry for your loss *HUGS* i have been following you for a bit and i love what you both have been doing. It totally inspires me. Take time to grieve. I read the book “Heaven is for real” and the littie Colton shared that he saw his sister who was miscarried in Heaven. I do believe that. Hang in there!

  5. caroline October 29, 2013 at 1:22 am #

    Katie & Reuben…..I’m so sorry for the loss of your baby. I don’t know what else to say.

  6. Jane Y. October 29, 2013 at 2:36 am #

    oh i’m so so sorry for your loss. someone told me that crying is the best way to grieve. there is a blogger – pink ronnie – who has a wonderful blog and writes such beautiful tributes about her son cameron. sending you warm thoughts and a hand squeeze.

  7. Jenna October 29, 2013 at 3:09 am #

    Katie and Reuben, this was absolutely a beautiful tribute to a life never lived. I’m so sorry that this happened to two amazing people, but you’re so strong to handle it this way. One day you will be amazing parents to a child who will be lucky to give you both a sparkle in your eye =) Stay strong and keep being wonderful

  8. Jime Ji October 29, 2013 at 3:22 am #

    I was so worried last post that you wrote, worried thinking how bad was it that you woudn’t talk about it, and now I feel in a way better to know that you are talking to us in a very honest way about something so hard for you. I really love the way you chose to see and live this moment, very loving and inspiring.

    All my love to you guys

  9. Sav October 29, 2013 at 3:30 am #

    I’m truly sorry for your loss. Thank you so much for sharing something so personal, it must have taken a lot of courage.

  10. Carrie October 29, 2013 at 3:54 am #

    I’m so sorry Kate & Reuben, you have every right to grieve and feel all the range of emotions that go with it. Hopefully by sharing you will gain strength from everyone’s support…much love xx

  11. Susan October 29, 2013 at 4:18 am #

    I am so sorry for your loss. I have had 3 miscarriages and can completely identify with what you are feeling. My first loss was 19 years ago but I still think about our baby, a brother or sister for the children that we do have. Don’t be hard on yourself and take time to grieve for your little one xx

    • Katie
      Katie October 30, 2013 at 10:41 am #

      I’m sorry for your losses Susan. To have go through this 3 times seems truly unfair, and I’m so happy to hear you got your babies in the end. xx

  12. Jenny October 29, 2013 at 4:28 am #

    Katie and Reuben. I am so terribly sorry for your loss. This post is absolutely beautiful, although terribly sad. Take time to grieve, your loss is real and don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. Love and hugs xx

  13. Rita@thissortaoldlife October 29, 2013 at 5:06 am #

    Oh, Katie–I was afraid this was the kind of hard time you were referring to. You are so right: It is a real loss. I had a miscarriage after an even briefer time, but it came after 3 years of infertility. It was devastating. You are also so right about this: The experience will change you, and for the better. When I finally became a parent, I know that I was a better one for all the grieving over all the years I was not able to be one. I was more patient and so deeply grateful. I am so sorry for your loss, and hopeful that you’ll soon feel again the wonder of within you.

    • Katie
      Katie October 30, 2013 at 10:45 am #

      Oh Rita, I can only imagine how hard it would be to go through a loss after three years of infertility. Utterly heartbreaking. I think you are right about this experience making me a better mama (hopefully) in the future though. Thank you for sharing your story with us. Much love xx

  14. Heather October 29, 2013 at 5:27 am #

    so sorry, take care of yourselves X

  15. Jacqueline October 29, 2013 at 5:30 am #

    oh katie, i’m so very sorry. i could feel the grief between the lines of your last post and was hoping this wasn’t what had happened. i lost my first baby too, and it was one of the hardest things i’ve ever gone through. i’m so very glad your midwife was so caring! what a beautiful gesture she made. sending you hugs. Xx

    • Katie
      Katie October 30, 2013 at 10:49 am #

      I’m always sorry to hear anyone has been through this, but it is comforting to be reminded that so many others have experienced a loss then gone on to have beautiful, happy, healthy families. Thank you for sharing. Your babes are gorgeous! x

  16. The Life of Clare October 29, 2013 at 7:42 am #

    Katie, my heart goes out to you and I can’t even imagine the heartbreak you are going through! Take the time to grieve, you deserve that. Sending you both love, hugs and imaginary baked goods.

  17. Kathryn Skinner October 29, 2013 at 7:46 am #

    You will never forget this little one. It’s okay to grieve, it doesn’t matter how long you were pregnant, you have the right to grieve like everyone else. You have to grieve, to heal a little. Be kind to yourselves and each other. Sending warmest wishes, Kathryn xo

  18. Pamela October 29, 2013 at 8:50 am #

    i am so sorry for this. i lost a baby last year and it was so hard. hard to grieve someone i didn’t get to know but that i had built so many hopes and plans around already, and also hard because nobody talks about miscarriage. i thought about keeping it private and then, like you, wanted to share it and i’m so glad i did. once i started sharing, so many others also shared their stories, and i thought it helped me grieve. i hope it is the same for you. <3

    • Katie
      Katie October 30, 2013 at 11:00 am #

      You are so right Pamela, the fact that miscarriage is still a bit of a taboo subject makes it much harder. So many women go through this but so few talk about it, which makes an already sad experience terribly lonely. That’s really why I decided to share this part of our story. I have felt a weight lifted from my shoulders since hitting “publish” on this post, and if I can offer a tiny with bit of solidarily or comfort to another woman going through something similar, well that’s a wonderful bonus. I am so sorry for your loss and very grateful for you sharing your story with me. Thank you. xx

  19. Emma October 29, 2013 at 9:12 am #

    I’m so sorry to hear this. I think miscarriage is one of the hardest thibgs anyone has to go through. Both of you must be grieving, be kind to yourselves and each other. xxx

  20. AmyS October 29, 2013 at 9:38 am #

    Katie & Reuben, I am so sorry for the loss of your child. As one who has suffered the same fate (on more than on occasion), I understand and mourn with you. Though I have been blessed with two beautiful girls since, the love of the lost still remains. You two will be amazing parents and I have every faith in the universe that you will be blessed again.

    • Katie
      Katie October 30, 2013 at 11:03 am #

      I am so sorry to hear you experienced multiple losses but so, so happy you got your gorgeous girls in the end! It fills me up with hope. Thank you for sharing. xx

  21. Di October 29, 2013 at 10:16 am #

    Katie and Reuben, big hugs and gentle thoughts, be kind to yourselves x

  22. Shell October 29, 2013 at 10:17 am #

    I’m thinking of you guys during this tough time, and I’m so sorry that two more lovely people are going through this sadness.
    *hugs*

  23. Jenni October 29, 2013 at 10:24 am #

    Katie & Rueben, I am so saddened to hear this terrible bit of information in what little bit I know of who you both are. I don’t know you, I only know you from reading what happens in your lives as you post but I still feel a strange connection in those suffering from something that is so significant. I’ve been grieving the loss of my stillborn niece for a year now but I don’t think it makes a difference that she was full term and your little one lived for only 12 weeks. It was a life that has been lost and an innocent one at that. I mourn with you from across the world, knowing that the grieving process is hard and long.

    • Katie
      Katie October 30, 2013 at 11:12 am #

      Thank you so much Jenni and I am so sorry to hear about your niece. I can only imagine the pain of losing a baby full term. My heart goes out to you and your family. xx

  24. Jan October 29, 2013 at 10:42 am #

    Katie and Reuben I am sorry for your loss and know what your going through. I lost my second daughter when I was 20 weeks pregnant and it was so hard to go through. People who have never experienced a miscarriage just don’t understanding how heartbreaking it is, there is just such a feeling of emptiness. Take all the time you need to greive and to heal, and be kind to each other.

    • Katie
      Katie October 30, 2013 at 11:19 am #

      Oh Jan, I’m so sorry to hear you lost your little girl. You are so spot on about the feeling of emptiness. Like something is just missing. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us. Much love. xx

  25. Lisa October 29, 2013 at 1:33 pm #

    I’m so sorry for your loss. I’m a physician, and wanted you to know that even though it doesn’t make the loss easier, it’s not something you did, and it doesn’t that it will happen next time you try, either. Give yourselves time to heal, and take it easy on yourself.

  26. Jackie October 29, 2013 at 1:52 pm #

    Big hugs to both of you, Im so sorry for your loss.

  27. Jessica October 29, 2013 at 2:17 pm #

    Reuben and Katie,

    I am sorry for the loss of your precious little one. I send hugs and tears for your baby, as well as blessed thoughts your way and wish you much luck and health for your future children. x

  28. elle mental October 29, 2013 at 2:46 pm #

    Dear Katie and Reuben, I am very sorry to hear your sad news… I know that it was a terrible blow and that your hearts are broken. Nothing can take the pain of loss away or keep you from missing your sweet little one, sometimes the only way to get on the other side of something is to go through it. Give yourself time to grieve, lean on each other and draw strength from all the love being sent in your direction. Soon enough the sun will break through the clouds and the hurt will soften and lose its sharp edge, and you will feel more like yourselves again. Until then take comfort in the love and prayers of all of us who love you. Big hugs!

  29. Carrie October 29, 2013 at 2:51 pm #

    Katie and Reuben, I am very sorry to hear your sad news, it brought tears to my eyes thinking of the child that my husband and I lost. Take whatever time you need to grieve, in whatever way you need to. Love and prayers from the other side of the world.

  30. Kitty October 29, 2013 at 4:16 pm #

    Dear Katie and Reuben,
    My thoughts are with you both. Losing a baby is terribly sad. I have had 4 miscarriages and each one almost broke me.
    Try not to compare your loss to anyone else. It is real and significant to you both. Allow yourselves to grieve however you need.
    The plum tree idea is beautiful.
    Take care sweet souls.
    Kitty

    • Katie
      Katie October 30, 2013 at 11:22 am #

      Oh Kitty, you are an amazing, strong woman to get through four losses. I’m so sorry you went through that. Thank you for your lovely wishes and for sharing your story. Your boys are SO cute! xx

  31. Reannon October 29, 2013 at 4:48 pm #

    Katie & Rueben
    I’ve been reading your blog for a while now ( and love it), I guess I’m what’s called a ” lurker” but today I just HAD to comment.
    First let me say how sorry I am for you both. Losing a baby is such an awful thing to experience but I’m so glad to see you talking about it. Talking it through is so very very important. It’ll help heal your heart & soul but it may just help someone else too.
    I’ve had 3 miscarriages but I’m also blessed with 3 boys. I just wanted to let you know everything you are feeling is normal. Let yourself grieve. Give yourself time & be gentle with yourself .
    xx

    • Katie
      Katie October 30, 2013 at 11:25 am #

      Thank you Reannon. I am sorry for your losses and so glad you got your beautiful boys. It fills me with hope! Much love xx

  32. Myfanwy Hood October 29, 2013 at 4:53 pm #

    Oh, I am so sorry to read what you and Reuben have been through over the past few weeks. My thoughts are with you both xo

  33. Julie October 29, 2013 at 6:08 pm #

    Oh Katie,

    Erin had told me what happened, but I couldn’t say anything. I remember a lady I knew years ago had been given this wonderful story after several miscarriages – we are all put on this earth for a finite time, and while we are here, we have a job to do. That job is not always evident to those around us straight away, but once it is accomplished, it is time for us to leave. Your little man did his job with such precision, he didn’t get to stay.
    I hope that his mission becomes clear to you both to ease your way through your grief. Take as much time as you need to heal.
    Love Julie xx

    • Katie
      Katie October 30, 2013 at 11:26 am #

      That is beautiful Julie, thank you. xx

  34. Librarygirl October 29, 2013 at 6:29 pm #

    Katie and Reuben, on a horrible warm windy late October day in 1996 I lost a baby at 11 weeks. The following October we welcomed our beautiful son. I am so sorry for your loss, it is such a heartbreak and you’ll never forget your little one but time will help you and I’m sure next year or sometime in the future you’ll be writing a very different post….
    Sending you peace, love and healing thoughts xx

    • Katie
      Katie October 30, 2013 at 11:29 am #

      Thank you for sharing your story with us. Though I’m so sorry you went through that, it is comforting to be reminded that we are not alone. I’m so glad you got your gorgeous son. xx

  35. Zara October 29, 2013 at 6:31 pm #

    Oh, thinking of you both. Such a sad time for you both. x

  36. Ravs October 29, 2013 at 6:52 pm #

    My first pregnancy also ended in an early miscarriage. At eight weeks we had our first scan, and there was no heartbeat. They told us the baby’s heart had probably only beaten for 3 days before it stopped.
    I had to have a D&C, just before Christmas, and while still woozy from the GA I agreed to have genetic testing of the baby performed. For me this helped. Our baby had Down’s Syndrome, trisomy 21, and the heart muscle was obviously severely affected. Knowing why the baby miscarried, for me, made it easier to bear.
    Now, after a second similar miscarriage (a different trisomy this time), I have two beautiful, healthy sons in primary school. But I haven’t forgotten the daughter that could have been.
    It is a tough time, my thoughts are with you, but well done for talking about it, friends have told me since that my being open about my experience has helped them through similar – your blog may provide strength to others.
    And you truly have a wonderful midwife.
    Best wishes going forward.

    • Katie
      Katie October 30, 2013 at 11:36 am #

      I was very unsure about whether sharing this on the blog was the right thing to do, but I think being open about it has really helped. I wish miscarriage was talked about more openly. It’s such a hard thing to go through and feeling alone with such a sad secret only makes the pain worse. Thank you so much for sharing your story with us Ravs, and I’m so sorry for your losses. xx

  37. Kathryn October 29, 2013 at 7:56 pm #

    Every Spring your Plum Tree will have beautiful new growth and bloom. Keep enjoying the simple things.

  38. Tara October 29, 2013 at 7:56 pm #

    I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t even begin to understand how you must be feeling but the honesty and courage you show in your post are very touching. Your little family is beautiful and I hope your plum tree flourishes in memory of your little one.

  39. Moysie October 29, 2013 at 8:33 pm #

    Oh Katie ;-(
    What a painful time for you both – sending sincere warm wishes your way.

  40. Brenda October 29, 2013 at 8:56 pm #

    Oh Katie, Rueben, I’m so sorry for your loss, I thought this may have been the case when I read your last post, you see I have been there too. My first baby was lost 18 weeks into my pregnancy,- when everyone knew I was pregnant as we had passed the so called danger period – a little boy also. It was without a doubt one of the most difficult things I have ever been through, heartbreaking, soul destroying and such a loss of innocence. But now I am a mum to an 18, 16, and 11 year old. I still hold my first child in my heart, but now understand that there was a reason that he never made it into this world, and my arms. I have a wonderful, life a beautiful family and amazing friends, most of whom, I have met through my children, via mums groups kinder, school etc. Had that first boy been born, my friends would not be the ones I have today so i am thankful for all I have, including the gift of that special boy who lives on in my heart. take care, don’t blame yourselves, love one another and know that you are not alone. xx

    • Katie
      Katie October 30, 2013 at 11:41 am #

      Thank you very much for sharing your story Brenda. I believe you are right about there being a reason why our first babe didn’t make it into the world. We can’t see it now, but I have faith that one day we will. Much love. xx

  41. Mike (Crafty Dad) October 29, 2013 at 9:28 pm #

    Katie and Reuben -

    I am SO very sorry to hear of your loss. My thoughts and prayers are with you both.

    Take care of yourselves! You are two of my favorite people. : )

    Love,
    Mike

  42. Sarah Jane October 29, 2013 at 10:57 pm #

    Oh Katie and Reuben I don’t know what to say….. I’m so so sorry for your loss. I thought this may be the case after reading your last post, but hoped it wasn’t. Of course you have a right to grieve for your little one – the plum tree is a wonderful tribute.Take care and thinking of you,
    Hugs,
    Sarah xxxxxxxooooooo

  43. donna October 29, 2013 at 11:47 pm #

    Katie I am so sorry. I know how you are feeling. I had my surgery of course, due to my fibroids and cysts, and I am supposed to be very fertile now, and prior to surgery I miscarried a few times, and since surgery have miscarried again… I feel your pain and I am thinking of you xxx. You will make a beautiful mum. In fact you are a beautiful mum, even though your bubba didn’t make it.

    • Katie
      Katie October 30, 2013 at 10:38 am #

      Oh lovely Donna, I am so sorry to hear about your losses. I am sending super positive baby vibes your way. xx

  44. Jennifer F. October 30, 2013 at 1:21 am #

    Oh, Katie. :( My heart is heavy for you both. Sending peace, healing and strength your way.

  45. Allie H October 30, 2013 at 2:43 am #

    Katie and Reuben. Thank you for sharing the pain you are currently going through. I hope that letting it out and seeing so much support come back to you is helpful in your time of healing. I’m so sad to hear what has happened to you, and hope that someday you will have the child(ren) that you want to complete your little family. In the meantime, keep being amazing as you are, heal and grow with each other from this. All the best for you both. *hugs*

  46. Susie October 30, 2013 at 5:25 am #

    Sending you so many love and hugs – I hope you feel all this love from your friends all over the world through the big bad INTERNETS xoxo

  47. Christina October 30, 2013 at 8:01 am #

    I’m so sorry to read of your loss. I recognise so much of what you have written, as we experienced a similar loss with our first pregnancy. It was heartbreaking. I just wanted them to be wrong. It took me a long time to heal from the loss and be ready to try again. The thought of that babe followed me through my next two pregnancies. Now we are blessed with a boy and a girl. Wishing you all the best. Go gently. xx

    • Katie
      Katie October 30, 2013 at 11:45 am #

      Thank you so much for sharing Christina. I’m very sorry you went through that, but so glad you got your precious kidlets in the end! xx

  48. Margaret October 30, 2013 at 10:20 am #

    So sorry to hear about the loss of your little son, just because he was tiny and preterm doesn’t mean he wasn’t loved, cherished , dreamed about, hoped for, taken care of and the source of pride and excitement for you and your family.
    Thank you for talking about this honestly I am sure it will help you and others to process such a sad time ,I have not had this experience, but once pregnant, could never understand a miscarriage being dissmissed, taken lightly, or ignored… for all the above reasons.
    Gather your strength and move forward together.

  49. Sharon October 30, 2013 at 11:16 am #

    I’m so very sorry to read of your loss, but glad that you decided to share your story. Losing a baby is so hard. I’ve been through it twice. Life goes on, but you always carry them in your heart. The thing that people do not understand is that the grief you feel is not from missing someone that you knew and loved, but the loss of the future you thought you had. Keeping you both in my thoughts.

  50. Patricia October 30, 2013 at 12:15 pm #

    Thank you for sharing such a hard story to tell. I have been following you for quite a while now and always update my family and friends about the little couple in Australia.
    We are all profoundly sorry for your loss. Your little bundle was, is and always will be just as significant and loved as much as my 20 year old son who I lost too, as well as any other, no matter how old. My back yard has become my solace, and tribute to the memory of my son. It gives me some peace and solitude, and it has become a beautiful place to sit and be with him in spirit. May peace and hope come to you both. (((Hugs)))

  51. Cindy October 30, 2013 at 1:41 pm #

    Hi Katie – I’ve been a lurker for some years now and am very sorry to hear of your loss. I lost two babies – one at 19 weeks and one at six weeks – before having two beautiful girls. It is so good that you felt you could share about it. Miscarriage is something we don’t generally talk about but when you do, you find that it is an experience you share with many, many women. Know that it’s OK to feel whatever it is you’re feeling. And that it’s OK to get professional help if you need it.

  52. Nanna Chel October 30, 2013 at 4:33 pm #

    Katie, firstly let me say how sorry I am that you have lost your little bub. I know a young girl about your age who recently lost a bub and she and her hubby were understandably devastated. Now she is having another baby and is having a very healthy pregnancy. I am sure that the baby she lost will always hold a special place in her heart and she will see the him or her again one day.

    I am sure that you will both be wonderful caring parents!

  53. Fiona October 30, 2013 at 9:19 pm #

    Hi Katie, big hug to you.. you know I had a miscarriage over 6 months ago.. and we have begun trying again and each month you deal with disappointment that you’re still not pregnant.. However I tell myself that everything happens for a reason.. Maybe it just wasn’t the right time. I’m not sure what I’m getting at but I guess I just want to say that you are not alone in this experience.. It just makes us women stronger :) take it easy and be kind to yourself xx

  54. Kathy October 31, 2013 at 8:16 am #

    My thoughts are with you having been through virtually the same thing with my first pregnancy. The scan at 9.5 weeks revealed the heart beat was half the normal heart beat and they said we would have to wait and see at the 11 week scan and I was told it hadn’t survived and then had to book into hospital to have it removed and cleaned out. I came home from the hospital devasted and got Camembert and champagne on the way homè because I could now have those things. It feltweird because it wasn’t a celebration yet I was eating celebration food. I was very sad. This was my first pregnancy at 38 and I got pregnant first go. My doctor said the only thing that will get you over the loss of a pregnancy is getting pregnànt again. Also when I did get pregnant 3 months later I was almost holding my breath until I got past the 11-12 week mark because of the first pregnancy I was scared.

    One big thing that I knew was “logically” I knew it was right because your body has a way of knowing it wasn’t a viable pregnancy to gô full term. It knows that there was something wrong and is keeping you from more pain. However “emotiònally I was so sad and I had lost my first child”. I understood it was for a very good reason but it hurt and it was very sad.

    I got pregnant 4 months later and gave birth to a healthy baby boy James and then I got pregnant with my daughter and there was 2 years and 3 months in between and they are both perfect.

    I like you knew it could have been worse and in fact loosing a bàby at 20 weeks means you have to have a pay for a funeral and I’d imagine mighty em have a birth and death certificate which would be horrible. One of our mums at school was due for her baby and the baby was alive 3 days before she was born but the bàby turned and put a knot in the cord and died and she had to give birth to her baby who was still born. I know I woukdn’t have coped with that scenario and you càn’t choose which one you get but in the end your body getting rid of a pregnancy that is not viable is way better and your body is doing the right thing.

    In saying all thàt you grieve for what you lost and you lost your first baby as did I and it is real and you should go through those feelings and not be thinking your body let you down, it’s protecting you from potentially more pain.

    As soon as you can get pregnant again and you will get through this. I have 2 beautiful children and you will be a mother as well. The stats are 1 in 4 experience a miscarriage of sorts and the more people you know you will find that you will know more people who have gone through this as well. It is real, it is sad and you shouldn’t feel guilty in any wày. Make sure you take “folate tablets” right now. This is very important in pregnancy and to take it before you get pregnant so if you aren’t taking it now start even if yòu have to wàit to try again start these tablets. Elevit is a good brand but it’s very important to take folate tablets regardless of your healthy diet. The plum tree is a lovèly gesture ad you can plant another one when you get pregnant again.

    Remember logically yòur body is doing the right thing because there was something not quite right but emotionally it’s difficult.i know how you feel and your first is hard but your body is an amazing thing looking after you. Regards Kathy A, Brisbane, Australia

  55. Georgia October 31, 2013 at 10:37 am #

    You have both been on my mind and in my heart since I read this post yesterday. I am so sorry for you both; such pain should never be brought upon two so beautiful people. xx

  56. Marcelle November 1, 2013 at 2:14 am #

    I am so SO very sorry for your loss.
    I have two starbabies, they are my children forever. So I know how you feel.
    And I know things happen for a reason, but still.. you’re a mom and dad now… ♥

  57. Tania November 1, 2013 at 10:04 am #

    I am sorry for your loss Katy and Rueben, sending you both big hugs xoxo

  58. becc November 1, 2013 at 8:49 pm #

    Your blog creates a sense of family in all of us. When the saddest moments of life present then the job of family is to join together and embrace. I wish I had words of wisdom but all I can say is be there for each other. Your love will get you through♥

  59. supernashwan November 2, 2013 at 4:51 pm #

    Went through a similar experience with my wife earlier this year and it was at 12 week stage too. It was a lot tougher on us than i thought it would be, now nearly 4 months on I don’t know if we are still truly over it, it really affects your psyche and can have a profound affect on your relationship. Stay positive and strong, nothing is nobody’s fault, it is what it is, and it is unfortunately a part of life. I hope you two bounce back and get go have as many children as you want.

  60. tors November 3, 2013 at 9:37 pm #

    I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your story with us, I think it’s something that is all too often left unspoken and I think you, your baby and others going through the same thing deserve to be heard. Your words are an inspiration and I hope your strength sees you through this trying time. My heart goes out to you both x

  61. Leah November 4, 2013 at 11:48 am #

    Katie, Reuben, I am so sorry for your loss. I know it is hard to share pieces of your heart like this but please know that by doing so you help so many others who are also trying to pick up the pieces of their shattered dreams. Thank you!

    I will keep you guys in my thoughts and send nothing but love and hugs your way!
    Leah

  62. Chrissy Sparkle November 5, 2013 at 1:44 pm #

    I am so very sorry to hear this sad news. All my very best wishes to you both x

  63. JessB November 5, 2013 at 5:15 pm #

    This is a late response, but I wanted to say I’m so sorry to read about your loss. I’m keeping you all in my thoughts.

  64. Hannah November 6, 2013 at 6:16 pm #

    Oh boy, I’m so so sorry to hear you guys are going through this. This is a huge loss, and you shouldn’t feel ridiculous for grieving something like this. I hope that doesn’t sound bossy, it’s just that I have had similar feelings when going through difficult, horrible times, thinking, ‘well it must be worse for people who…’ What you are feeling is completely valid, and you need to give yourself permission to fall apart if you need to, and cry as much as you need to. I think it’s better to let out that sobbing, ugly crying than trying to hold it together.

    Thank you for sharing this, I know that one day you two are going to be wonderful parents, and in the meantime, give those furbabies lots of cuddles. xx

  65. Wendy November 8, 2013 at 10:42 pm #

    Oh Katie…I just ‘found’ you via IG and have been so moved by your recent loss … I’m so very sorry and know exactly how you feel. My first pregnancy ended at 12 weeks with a miscarriage … I felt EXACTLY like you described. I now have 4 grown children but had another miscarriage after my 2nd … then had twins! I just wanted to let you know that your grief is real and I’m sending along BIG HUGS and prayers that the days ahead will be full of healing and renewed joy… 🍃💙🍃

  66. Sophie November 9, 2013 at 4:57 pm #

    I know I am only 14, and couldn’t even have the faintest of how you are feeling, but I would like to give you my support for both of you. But,I can insure you, that reading your blog-posts over the years, and discovering the inspiring way you live your lives and who you are, I have seen that you are both amazing people, who will, whatever does or doesn’t happen, I know that whatever baby will come into your care, will be a very lucky child, to have such amazing parents as you two. Keep trying, because there is no other way to go, but up.
    Lots of love and support
    Sophie.

  67. Podkins November 10, 2013 at 10:36 pm #

    Dear Katie and Reuben

    I sit here, having just read your story, crying for your loss. My husband and I are not able to have children, and to read your lovely words about your precious ‘October baby’ I am reminded how much hurt each our hearts can take, and how much strength lies within each one of us. My thoughts are with your little family, who have become a part of mine as well, even if only through words ..,

    Much love, Claire x

  68. Katie November 13, 2013 at 5:04 pm #

    Dear, I’m so sorry for your loss! I can’t even imagine what you went through. But I’m so sure that you’ll be a great mother one day, you deserve to be happy! The tree is so touching.. Be strong!

  69. Katie November 29, 2013 at 9:00 pm #

    Dear Katie,
    I’ve only just discovered your blog, but feel compelled to comment. My heart goes out to you and I feel your pain. Like so many others on here I have also experienced miscarriages. I saw our first baby’s heartbeat at 8 weeks, and then I saw it had stopped at 10. It is the hardest thing my husband and I have been through. Be gentle on yourselves, and take your time.
    I find the whole talking about it issue conflicting. I spoke to very close friends and family about it, but I think the big factor in me not talking about it more broadly was that I couldn’t bear to hear some peoples responses. I know they meant well, but at the time things like “you’ll be in the maternity ward again in no time” (as I was about to have surgery) and “it wasn’t really a baby” made the pain even worse. I needed to grieve for the baby we had. I guess if there was more discussion about it, it could help with this too…after another earlier miscarriage my husband and I now have our darling little son. He was worth the wait. The plum tree is a great idea. I also have a song. With time it will become easier; they well always have a place in your heart.

  70. Dave November 29, 2013 at 10:12 pm #

    Dear Reuben, (without diminishing Katie’s loss, many above have addressed it better than i can, and with only a few other gent comments in 80 something, this is for you)

    i cannot comment on your loss for i have not experienced it. i want to highlight what you were, and as another said above to Katie, still are – a father.

    I’m a few years in on that, and thinking back on the experiences that may yet still be ahead of you makes me smile despite the sadness of your present.

    for now remind yourself you’re already a dad, and from a glance around your blog – already a better one than i. certainly more grounded.

    being a dad, even after the kids are in the house, is really fundamentally about being a supportive partner. you’ve already gone through so much in supporting Katie to go through so much. you’ve already invested heavily in each emotional moment of 15 weeks. that’s a truckload of moments and a truckload of emotion, particularly when guys aren’t usually so open. you’ll have given all you’ve got in the support of another and have precious little left for yourself.

    that’s key too – being a dad is definitely about losing yourself for a while in the service of others, and friends said i could claw a bit back after a few years, and they were right, but in the meantime, and for you perhaps, it’s hard to get or take time for yourself and your independent healing because you may not even feel or think you want to. Try though, as it won’t be until you take some time to do something just for you, maybe even something Katie doesn’t even like so you never do anymore because you’re always together – when you do it might click that your batteries were lower than you thought. Holding together because that’s what a guy does for his girl.

    Taking a break before you need to (from work, or house chores, or being super dad when everyone else in the house is sick for days on end) is the best lesson I can share, having learned the hard way and emptied my tank a few times before i understood.

    Heal together of course, and you both clearly will… but heal individually too.

    best wishes. my little parcel has just started yelling in his sleep so duty calls, but i took my own advice today and recharged a bit.

  71. reader November 30, 2013 at 12:39 pm #

    I lost a baby at 12 weeks too. It was so sad to see the lifeless non beating heart on the monitor. After a few week I had to have emergency surgery and I always think of this baby on the day she would have been born 18 August. You will have another child x

  72. Carly Findlay December 4, 2013 at 7:06 am #

    I am so very sorry for your loss.
    Thinking of you both.

  73. Anne-Marie S. December 17, 2013 at 4:43 am #

    Katie,

    I’m so sorry for your loss. I usually just lurk around your blog and read your beautiful posts but I came out of the shadows to tell you that. I have had 4 miscarriages. It’s never any easier. After my 2nd miscarriage, I found out I have a Robertsonian translocation of my 13th and 14th chromosomes. I have a higher risk of miscarriage. I tried a couple more times but it didn’t work out. I’ve pretty much given up but you don’t have to. I was fortunate enough to have a great 1st pregnancy and my daughter is 5 years old now. She’s my miracle baby, even though I didn’t know it at the time, and you could have a miracle baby too. It’s unfortunate that no one really talks about these losses because it’s healing to talk about my babies even though they were only 6-8 weeks in gestation. It’s okay to grieve. It’s natural and healthy. If you ever want to try again, I wish you the best of luck. You may never have that blissful first pregnancy but a baby of your own after what you’ve been through would feel all the more special. My love and hugs to you and Reuben from New Hampshire (US).

  74. Leonie January 5, 2014 at 2:24 pm #

    I just came across your blog from Down to Earth.

    I am so sorry for your loss.
    We too lost our first baby at 11 weeks. I will never forget the pain I felt.
    I have a thyroid disease and was told I would never carry a baby past three months.
    Well, miracles happen and we have three happy, health children now. I hope you are blessed with a baby soon.

    Wishing you a blessed new Year and hoping your hearts are healing x

  75. Zoë April 15, 2014 at 3:28 pm #

    I recently asked someone how their baby was unknown to me that it hadn’t made it to this life. My Mum then told me she had lost a baby. Your article just made me understand some of what this must feel like, and I am glad you shared this.

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