I mentioned last week that I had been reading Down to Earth, a Guide to Simple Living by Rhonda Hetzel. I’ve finished it now, and while I’ve come away from the book with lots to think about, one thing has struck me as particularly relevant to me. That is, the lesson of not doing what is expected, but instead following your heart.
Truth be told, I have always struggled with self doubt. Far too often instead of asking myself how I feel about my choices, I find myself worrying what other people will think. I think most people probably struggle with this to some extent, but it’s particularly hard when you choose to do anything that is not “the norm” (Whatever that means! Obviously what may be considered “the done thing” in my world, may be completely different to “the done thing” in your world.) While I don’t pretend my ideas or dreams are totally unique or earth-shatteringly original, I know to others some of my life choices seem a bit… Well, weird.
When Reuben and I decided to leave Sydney we knew with all our hearts it was the right thing to do, yet I found myself questioning this decision and fretting about it, simply because I knew other people thought leaving secure jobs in the city for an unknown future in the country was an odd (or stupid) thing to do. I have experienced the same feelings with making the decision to move in with my mum for a little while. I know the scenario of adults moving back home is not considered ideal, and though I really believe this move is the right thing to do, I’ve struggled with worrying “But what will people think?!”
Of course the reality is, what other people think doesn’t really matter. This is my life. It is my responsibility to make the very most of it. I am the only person who can fully understand how I feel, what I think and what I want. And while I believe it’s very important to take advice on board and learn from the experiences of others, no one else can possibly know what’s best for me better than I do.
It all boils down to this: When I’m old and grey do I want to find myself regretting the fact that I never took the leap, followed my instincts and listened to my heart, because I was busy doing what was expected of me? Or do I want to look back and feel like I lived life to the very fullest, followed my dreams and did what was right for me? The answer is pretty obvious.
At the end of the day, we can’t please everyone. No matter what choices we make, someone somewhere will think they are the wrong ones. So (as long as we aren’t hurting anyone) we might as well go ahead and do what makes us happy! People will judge. People will question. If we do something unexpected there’s a good chance people will worry and gossip and argue. But as Rhonda so perfectly puts it, it is time to “stop living according to the expectations of others and focus on building a life that is unique to you… Be mindful, make your own decisions, work out what’s right for you and don’t feel guilty or undecided if your family or friends aren’t doing it or don’t understand what you do. Imagine your own life, and how you want it to be then work to make that vision a reality. Don’t be put off, don’t listen to the naysayers, go with your heart and do what is right for you.”
It won’t necessarily be easy, but I know that in order to create the life I want, that’s exactly what I have to do. I have to forget about doing what’s expected and instead do what feel right for me and for my little family.
I know I’m not the only one who worries about what other people think. Do you struggle with self doubt too? Or maybe you don’t! In that case, where do you get the strength to swim against the tide? I’d so love to hear your thoughts.
My husband and I got married whilst we were living with my parents. As a newly-wed couple we continued to live with them for another 3 months until we’d saved enough money to rent a love nest of our own. It seemed completely odd to some people, but for us, at that time, it was absolutely the right thing to do!
Good Luck with everything!
Maria xx
http://www.cheekypinktulip.blogspot.com
Thank you Maria! xx
I am in a situation at the moment which at first had me in a pile of self-doubt…deciding to change universities 2years into my course & with 2 more to go, pack up & move interstate to live with my partner, after flying back & forth every other weekend for nearly 2years. Yet I have since relaxed & realised its what is best for us. I am very lucky to have a beautiful family (both my own & my partners) who support my move wholeheartedly. There have been the conversations with people who don’t understand (& perhaps therefore don’t know us very well). At the end of the day though it’s our life. All the best with your move xx
Well I can COMPLETELY understand wanting to be with the person you love and not wanting to spend another 2 years flying back and forth every other weekend! It sounds like you absolutely did the right thing for your family. Good for you Mandy!
I often feel the same, in regards to putting what other people think high up on the list of things I need to worry about. I know it’s not right or important, but can’t seem to help it. Good luck doing whatever YOU think is right!
Thank you Kati! And good luck right back at you! xx
I think on some level most people struggle with self doubt at one point or another. Societal pressures to conform are all around us. In other cultures living with your extended family is considered the norm. Why should we not support our family in anyway we can and build strong relationships at the same time. We moved back to my parents for a year while we finished the last of our renos. The memories my daughter will always have of this time are priceless. We also life learn/unschool… yep, going against the flow is a tough call, but when it feels right it is and I know I can feel when things are as they should be. I am learning to let go of outside influences too… warm wishes for your journey also Katie
Ps. Sorry for the essay!
Don’t apologise! I really, really love long, thoughtful replies. Thanks so much Allana! x
I’m BIG in self doubt. So big that lately I’ve been getting the feeling that I never really did what I wanted but alwayy just what was expected of me…and that’s why I’m so darn unhappy with life. Maybe unhappy is to harsh…but the spark is missing. I struggle a lot with what I want to do in life…it doesn’t help that I’m almost thirty and everybody keeps telling me to do this or do that. I know what I want….but I’m more then scared about pulling through with it because of the people around me. Basically all of my friends and everybody I talk to think’s I’m crazy for having that as a dream….they keep telling me that I could do something “better” with my life. They think I’m takind the easy way instead of persuing a massive career. I don’t want a crazy career. I see how they react to people that basically do what I want to do….and they talk bad about them. It gets me in doubt everyday because then I think…maybe they are right and I’m just to “lazy” to go the other path……aaach….I don’t know…It’s something I’m brooding over since about a year now….and it’s a little frustrating, to say the least.
I think it’s awesome that you guys are persuing your dreams. I think it’s even more awesome that you have the courage and determination to pull through all though you know some people may think it’s stupid. More power to you two!! You two are just awesome!
Oh Melanie, I COMPLETELY understand! My “career path” has not been easy either. One day soon (when I pluck up the courage) I’ll write a blog post about it, but basically I went to uni and got a degree, worked in the relevant industry for 2 years then (to some people’s utter dismay) decided it was not for me, quit, moved to the country and started a part time retail job! Now I’m taking a leap of faith and starting something completely new, that is my dream, but I know it will raise some serious eyebrows. It’s not easy, but I really think the only way we can be happy is to disregard what others think and listen to our own hearts. I wish you the very best of luck with all your dreams! I really believe you can do whatever you set your mind to xx
Thank you so much! And honestly, to hear that there is somebody out there that has the same problems feels really good (although Im sorry that you are having those problems too) It’s really hard always having to fight for what you believe in and let people trample on your life like that. I wish you all the best for your future plans. Will show them how awesome it actually is! Ha! xoxo
Hi Katie! I loved reading this post today because I can definitely relate! I recently gave up some good jobs in search of a more simple lifestyle and following my passion—being a writer and professional freelance blogger/social media consultant. This decision has been simultaneously the best one I’ve ever made and the hardest. The part that’s difficult is the self-doubt and comparing and wondering what other people think. I have been going through this battle for a couple years now, trying to break free from what other people think and really life what I believe is the way I need to at the time. Thanks so much for being open about your transition, too!
Wow, good for you Holli! I can totally relate to your struggle with breaking free from what other people think. It’s hard. But huge congrats to you for following your heart! You should be so proud of yourself
I have to say, I often feel selfdoubt, even though I know I’m doing the right thing for myself. Just have to keep in mind, than there is no way you can always please everybody. It takes courage to do things and you really have it! I think what you are doing (the moving etc) it’s an example for others to chase your dreams!
And that’s why I love your blog 
Oh Anski, you are lovely. Thank you! xx
well, i don’t care about what people think about my life for a simple reason, they don’t pay my bills, they don’t support me, they don’t feed me, and they can’t solve my problems, i’ve been like this since little i guess, when people tried to correct me or tell me the right way to be, i used to tell my aunts when they tried to correct me that they weren’t my parents, and i actually stopped visit them for the very same reason.
When my brother said that i was silly because i start working in the place were i work, when i could make more money in other place i told him to back off, since he didn’t have free time not a bit for himself, and maybe i’m not wining a lot of money but i have vacation 3 times per year, i work from monday to friday, 7-3 and i don’t have to cover turns or something like that. He lost his “perfect” job and almost had a heart attact, while i can sleep all afternoon or do whatever i want and have all the weekends for myself.
worring about what others think is not going to take your problems apart, or help you pay the rent, so why bother? why waist so much energy and time doing this?
Katie, BRAVO! xx
Thanyou Dulce! You have made this very clear for me. For so long I have been frozen in fear of doing anything because of what people say or what they think but you are so right. None of them pay my bills or look afer me and they definately don’t support me but they are all very happy to critizise and put me down. I have tried to live my life “the right way” and all it as brought me is heart ache. But something is bubbling inside of me now, I can feel it, it’s still small but I will listen and feel what my intuition is saying to me.
I can so relate to this Alison! Doing things “the right way” has never really turned out to be right for me either, but my own intuition is almost always spot on. I wish you all the very, very best in following your heart xx
I love your comment Dulce! And of course you are 100% right. Worrying what other people is such a waste of energy. Your attitude is inspiring
Hey Katie and Reub’s,
Self doubt can be a hard one to overcome – I think its also our own self guard to help us make the right decisions. A year and a half ago my partner and I got back together after a 4 month break and decided to move to Castlemaine from Melbourne. So many people had their own say about our lives and choices and I felt like the judging would never end. In my heart though, I knew that the only way my lil family would be happy would be if we moved to the country and changed our lifestyle. We too simplified our lives and got a smaller house and block, a slower paced job choice. While lots of friends dropped off the radar we also established new friendships up here.
Remember you are the captain of your journey – you make the choices – people who judge or freely offer their opinion when not asked are the ones who wish they were doing what you are doing. I wish you all the best – be fearless and smile because its just one more step to getting closer to what you want.
P.S I moved back home (to my inlaws house) when my boy was 8 months old we lived there for 14 months to save for our first house. If I hadn’t done that we wouldn’t be where we are today.
x
Thank you so much for sharing Lauren! You guys have done a lot of the stuff Reubs and I want to do (simplifying, starting a business etc) so it’s inspiring to hear your story. And it’s comforting to know that moving back home for a little while really helped you to buy your house! xo
For what it’s worth, the hubby and I rotated in and out of his parents house three times in the early years of our marriage. First when we just got married and were looking for an apartment, next while we waited for our condominium to be built, and finally when we sold the condo and prepared to make a 200 mile move to another state.
Our parents didn’t have lots of money to offer to help us get a good start in life, but they were able to offer us a free place to live while we saved our money for our next step in life.
We got the most “advice” from others when we made our big move. We left good jobs and all our friends and family, but we were on an adventure that we called “our future”. One apartment, two houses, and three children later, we are very happy!
I’m so glad to hear things turned out happily for you Lilan! I am sure we’re making the right choices and things will work out for us too. I just need to quit second guessing myself!
I had this same thought about 2 years ago when I realised that no matter how socially ‘normal’ something is, there is always someone who thinks it’s the wrong thing to do. You can’t really please anyone, so don’t bother trying!!
My partner and I are currently pregnant, and I have been really surprised at how many people have been asking ‘was this planned?’ We’re not married, and STILL people think this pregnancy was therefore an accident!
So stuff ‘em I say – do your own thing and be happy. Your true friends will love and support you no matter what you decide to do.
Oh Esther, I can so relate to your comment! Though we haven’t had a baby, Reubs and I have been together almost 8 years but are still unmarried and not officially engaged. We do plan to put a ring on it some day but a wedding has just never been a priority for us. Even so, when people find out we’ve been together so long but aren’t married they assume there must be some kind of commitment issue or that I must be getting desperate for Reubs hurry up and “make an honest woman of me”, which is not at all the case!
thanks for posting this, Katie. I wish you knew just how much I needed to read this today. So thank you.
I read through this post thinking yes yes yes! You articulated it beautifully and I totally agree with your thoughts
I often read your posts and you seem to be able to express what I’ve been thinking and how I’ve been feeling inside. You do it so well. I struggle all the time with self-doubt and have on occasion looked back on choices and decisions I’ve made wishing I hadn’t been so worried about everyone else. I continue to work on freeing myself every day.
x
Reading your post gives helps me gain the confidence to make the change I have always been wanting to. For more years that I care to remember I have always wanted to cease working in an office environment but the security always held me back. I’ve never worried about what other people think when it comes to my hobbies but I guess I do when it comes to lifestyle. Rhonda’s words are so true.
So happy for you that you are discovering these new things.
x
I doubt loads of things. I’d raise an eyebrow at anyone who said they didn’t second guess a few decisions. But, really, if I look back on past worries, very little of what I agonize about today ends up affecting me even a year later. Not that knowing this helps. I should lay off the caffeine — adding to my natural tendency to jitter — and lighten up. And take a few more walks in the fall air. That seems to temporarily relieve my anxiety (and muffin top).
I was raised to do what I feel is right, no matter what others may think. If I had the abilities, the ingenuity, the drive and determination to make it happen then there was no reason that I shouldn’t do exactly that. My daddy always says that the only way you could you ever fail is if you fail to try. I guess that just stuck with me because I will try just about anything without fear.
Hi Katie,
I’ve been reading your blog for a few months now and wanted to let you know how much I enjoy it. Your blog is a beautifully quiet and peaceful place for me, filled with sunshine, coziness, honesty and much thoughtfulness.
I too, used to worry a lot about what others thought of me and the decisions that I made until I heard a quote that changed everything for me. I’m afraid I don’t know who said it and I’m most certainly paraphrasing, but the essence of it is that if we realised how little time others actually spend thinking of us, we wouldn’t worry at all what they think.
I think that if you embrace your life choices with passion and conviction the people that matter most to you will always respect you for it, even if it is not a decision that they might have made themselves. Believe in yourself and your dreams as you are the only one who can make them come true.
I look forward to following you on your journey. Bek
I definitely struggle with what others think and actually moved interstate to get some space away from (good) family and friends so that I could make the changes I felt were necessary. These people always had what they thought were my best interests at heart but those thoughts came from a place where they felt like they “knew me”. I felt like the me that they knew was so far from the me I wanted to be!
When drastic life change is necessary sometimes we need some space from the people who know and love us so that we have room to make that change, if that makes sense. I wanted to be a “new me” and as much as I still love those people both their expectations of me and my own insecurities made it too hard to be that person whilst still being so close to them all. I feel like now I still receive (and give) love and respect from them but the distance between us has given me the space to regather and improve myself.
I know people say you shouldn’t care what others think but when those “others” are people you care about it’s pretty darn hard not to!
Katie,
excuse my english, it’s because I’m french…
You will never know how much what you think is what I think.
When I don’t know exactly what to do, what choice to make, I imagine myself, very old, very lonely, just with a cat on my knees, in a rocking chair near my fireplace in my little sweet home and thinking “Oh yeah, what I did at this time, that was what it was meant to be. Maybe it was weird for other people, but I did the right choice! And oh man, I don’t regret it!!!”
Only good memories reminding.
There are things that you can’t change in your life, so change all the others you want to!
It’s the first time I answer to a post of your blog, but I often read it. Thanks for that.
You always seem so brave to me, and it’s kind of incredible to me that you would doubt your decisions. You and Reuben seem to have so much figured out, and I think that you’ve made wonderful decisions for achieving your goals in life. I see you both as an inspiration for taking my own leap of faith, and letting go of self doubt that inevitably comes with big decisions.
This post really hit home with me. I’m 23, got married in college, and found myself pregnant 1 month after my nuptuals. I graduated and found a stable job in my field of social work, but my husband is still in school. In order to save up money for a house, we moved in with my parents for a while. I constantly wondered what people would think before we made the move, but it’s actually turned out quite nice and I now see the benefits that other cultures have by combining households. Free child care! Joint meals! What a deal!
I’m going to pick that book up. Thanks for recommending it!